Date: 2023-07-12 01:44 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818511)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
Most people are surprised by the things I remember.

[There. Safe. A boast about her capabilities. And a distraction from that.. unabashed happiness. Something about it sends a stab of panic through her gut. She ignores it, instead gingerly taking a bite of her own cake.

-"I hope... we can get along despite this."

...Sweet. Too sweet. The lemon taste was supposed to be subtle, the bakery had insisted it would be, but the sweetness makes it overpowering- at least to her.

- Her hand lashes out, roughly grasping the front of his shirt with a shaking hand, glaring up at him through tears.
- "But if you're saying I don't owe you anything, then it sounds like we're friends, doesn't it?"
- She doesn't remember making the decision to gently lean against him, pressing her side against his as she cries, but it happens all the same.


Then again, he'd liked the popcorn when they first arrived, and she thought that was awful.

- "Thanks for taking me here, Azula."

Rrgh. She used to have such perfect control of her mind. Of her emotions. She used to be free of such ridiculous weaknesses.

- She's rambling, delirious in her madness, snapping at a phantom only she can see, "He abandoned me!" She sees the confusion and hurt on his face as soon as she says it. Stupid. Clumsy. A foolish lapse.
- "You picked the wrong human to prey on."


She ignores the memories, the vivid images and sounds in her mind, almost as intrusive as the full-blown hallucinations-

- The beast's jaws clamp shut inches from her, and she feels rather than hears the word, enraged, filled with hate and accusation: Monster

Shut up. She takes another bite. The flavor doesn't improve with the second taste.

-"Do you not trust me?"

Hopefully he was enjoying it at least. She eyes his expression to try and figure it out for herself.

-She eyes the note with narrowed eyes, venomous feelings of suspicion and frustrated disappointment rising in her chest. "If you have solutions," she says, voice filled with quiet irritation, " rather than simply objections, you can join me and discuss them."

The next time the fork hits the plate just a little too hard, louder than she expected. A cursory glance at least confirms that nothing was damaged, but... ]


Do you like it? You always enjoyed those lemon... things, so it seemed suitable.

Date: 2023-07-14 12:47 pm (UTC)
itstillhurt: Azula frowns in sincere contemplation. (Contemplation)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[Ugh, of course he noticed. Of course she was ruining this. Of course this was the one thing she couldn't-

Enough, Azula.]


You know me, there's very little here that meets my standards.

[There. It's fine. Play it off as a joke. At least he was enjoying it, anyway. It's fine. She can-]

... you were right.

[It slips out quietly, and she immediately regrets it. Not helpful. Not good. A stab of panic shoots through her, and she tries to think of some way to cover for it, but nothing comes to her mind.]

Date: 2023-07-14 09:52 pm (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818582)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[She hisses a deep breath. She should just... brush past it. Shouldn't have brought it up. Should choke down some more of this horrible cake. She should-]

...about Father.

[She's not sure why, not sure what's compelling her to keep saying it even though it feels like swallowing molten lead, but she can't seem to stop herself. She averts her gaze, setting her plate of barely-touched cake aside.]

You were right.

Date: 2023-07-21 05:02 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818583)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[... Easy. The very idea that 'easy' was relevant rubs her wrong. It feels like an insult.]

It wasn't really him.

[The admission brings back a flood of relevant memories. The day he left for the Earth kingdom. Their brief conversation in the Capital prison. The nightmare about losing her bending.

Seeing him on the battlefield outside Reverein. The confrontation with Zuko. The choice she'd made. The way he had-]


He was an agent of the Story Eater. I should have known-

[You knew, she thinks bitterly. You knew what he was. Liar. Monster. She lets out a sigh, and her normally composed posture seems to sag as her gaze falls.]

Anyway. I'm... sorry.

Date: 2023-07-21 06:58 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818580)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
I stopped him before he damaged anything of value.

[... Anything except Zuko. Not that she valued- she knows what she meant. Rrgh. Stop being ridiculous, Azula.

Her vision was suddenly blurring, and she couldn't place why. Inadequate sleep, maybe. That must be it.

She turns back up toward Shealtiel, opening her mouth as if to say something else, but... when she sees his expression, she completely forgets it. A stab of something unpleasant shoots through her. Her arms pull defensively around her, and she winds up closing her mouth and staring at the cake instead.]

Date: 2023-07-23 03:43 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15817829)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[Rrgh, she's ruining this. Another stab of panic goes through her, and her fingers clench slightly against her sleeves before she snaps-]

I'm fine.

[....no. No. Making it worse. Of course you're making it worse. All you ever do is- Stop it, stop it, shut up-

She wrenches her hands back down into her lap, trying to relax, or at least to look relaxed-]


It was... uncharacteristically sloppy of me. I should be better. That's all.

[It wasn't even a lie, really. Except in the ways that matter. She tries to ignore the thought.]

Date: 2023-07-25 06:07 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: Azula gives a smug, taunting look. (Smug)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[She very nearly gives the reflexive dismissal such suggestions would normally receive, but it occurs to her that it would be... counterproductive. Ruining things again- shut up, shut up-

'Maybe we don't really have to try to be perfect all the time.'

She realizes she's staring. She's not sure why, there's just a pang of... something. Something familiar. It reminds her of Nanashi.

The sudden stab of panic gets more intense. For a moment, she has the urge- inexplicable though it is- to flee. Why on Earth would-

No. Control. She manages, after slightly too long, to summon her usual smug detachment.]


Of course we don't have to, but I choose not to settle for less.

['Nothing here for me,' she signs, and without hesitating he responds 'you have me.'

Then why did he leave? You know why. Stop it. Stop thinking about-]

Date: 2023-07-25 07:02 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818583)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
I'm not-

[She starts to snap, but something in her voice hitches. Stop it. Control yourself. Stop ruining this and control-]

I'm not some... helpless victim.

[It at least comes out less hostile. But it's true. It's always been true. She knows what her father was. It wasn't him. She knows he doesn't do love anyway. It wasn't him. Not that she ever needed it- It. -or wanted it- Wasn't. in the first place. Him. Rrgh. Not useful. Not helpful. She had his favor. That was all she needed. All she wanted. To be the best. To be worthy. Not that it mattered, because it wasn't really him.

The panic doesn't go away, but there's a sudden stab of rage. Of- hurt. Of hurt. Why did thinking about this hurt so badly? Why did it hurt Why did he hurt her He didn't mean to- He did this. He didn't. You did. You deserve it. Shut up. You need to eliminate the weakness. Shut up shut up That's it. Do what you always do. Monster. SHUT UP-

There's a sudden peal of thunder from outside, and she doubles over in pain, not the stabbing panic, not the clenching rage, not the pang of something she can't even identify, something more real, physical, visceral, like a hot knife in her ribcage, it hurts it hurts why did he hurt me he didn't do this-]


M-make it-

[The sentence is cut off with a hissing gasp of pain.]

Date: 2023-07-25 09:02 pm (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15817915)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[Make it stop make it stop-

Her skin is hot to touch- almost painfully so. She feels the hand on her shoulder, and her initial impulse is to pull away, to chastise him, but each heartbeat makes the burning agony more intense, and she lets out a strangled cry of pain through clenched teeth, her arm clutching his as she doubles over again-

She manages not to yell, instead muffling it to a harsh, strained whimper. She's not even conscious that she lurches forward and grabs Shealtiel's shoulder the instant the joint snaps back into place, only realizing once the pain begins to subside that she's clinging to him rather roughly-

Still making him take care of your damage. Some thing never change. Shut up. You don't need him. Shut up.

She struggles to straighten herself, to let go, let go, stop being weak- but she can't manage the strength- and you'll take it out on him, you always do, until he leaves again- shut up make it stop-]


I'm- [She hisses in pain again as another burning pang shoots through her-] I'm fine. I just- n-need air.

[She's barely able to choke it out through clenched teeth, and as she looks up at him, the normal amber-gold color of her eyes has been replaced by an unnatural shade of blue. She pushes him away- with surprising roughness- and quickly scrambles to the door, fumbling to let herself outside.]

Date: 2023-07-26 06:14 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818589)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[She can control this. She can beat this. She's Azula. She will control this-

Being a monster is the one thing you could never control.

Rrgh. She'd even take the maddening visions of her mother over this, at least those didn't make it impossible to think. Or maybe that was just the pain. She couldn't even tell. She leans against the treehouse for a moment, and it leaves a handprint burnt into the wall.

She blinks, staring down at her hand-

The dreamscape gets darker, the air thicker and heavier, the fool- she doesn't recall his name- is prying, pressing, oh so concerned, and it's all she can do to keep from lashing out at him. A faint smoldering vapor of heat begins to rise from her fingertips, and she clenches her fist to hide it, ignoring the stinging pain in her palm-

That was a nightmare. This wasn't a nightmare. Was it? The only nightmare here is you. Shut. Up. You know who's causing this. You have to eliminate the weakness. shut up shut up SHUT UP-]


I'm not some-

[She grits her teeth and doubles over again as another wave of burning pain floods through her.]

Some helpless child, you fool.

Date: 2023-07-26 07:37 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818584)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
You're not supposed-

[She lets out another gasp of pain, and her voice is oddly distorted when she speaks again.]

To do anything.

[Her breathing is ragged, and small flickers of blue fire occasionally seem to emerge with each exhale.]

J-just... go back... ins-

[This time, the wave of pain drives her to her knees, and she can't even manage a sound.

That's it. Drive him away, just like all the rest. Stop. Please just- At least alone you can't ruin anything.]

Date: 2023-07-27 09:48 pm (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818572)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
I don't know!

[She doesn't actually scream it at him, but her voice is uncharacteristically harsh nonetheless, and it's accompanied by another flicker of fire on her breath.

Does he think he can save you? She grits her teeth, tries to stand, immediately collapses from the pain again. Stupid. Nothing can save you. You're the one people need saving from. Why, why can't she just silence her mind? It's impossible to solve the problem when she can't even think. You know the solution. He's making you weak. What- It'd be kind of funny if he was the first one you really killed. I'm not going to- It's what you do. Stop. He's the problem. Stop. Remember the dream? Remember Nanashi- Stop it stop it stop-

She glares at Shealtiel, eyes now glowing blue in the dark, still gritting her teeth]


I t-told you... to get...

[She's cut off by another wave of pain, and the fabric of her clothing begins to smolder and smoke. This time, she's barely able to stay standing and muffle the cry.]

Date: 2023-07-28 04:12 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818596)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[Demon? No, that had been different. There's no excuse this time. It's you. It's just you.

She feels his hands on her arms, and for a moment, there's stillness, a second of clarity that seems to silence the thoughts. The voices.

And then he pulls his hands back in pain.

You can't help it. Hurting people. Driving them away. It's what you do. It's what you are. Think clearly. He's right. She needs to- That proved it. This is internal. An effect of your psyche on this world. It's his fault. You need to eliminate the weakness. Please. You're going to hurt him no matter what you do. No. You need to eliminate him. Not an option. I just have to control this.

Another intense burning pang shoot through her, and blue fire flares out from her in all directions. She can't even think, she can barely see from the pain.

It's not like he'll stay dead.

Her eyes whip back up to meet his, and there's a moment where she looks like he's rarely seen her before- close to tears.]


Told... t-told you to-

[And then her face falls into an eerily neutral mask, despite the burning blue of her eyes. A moment later, she launches herself at him, lifting him by the neck as she propels him at the wall of her own treehouse with impossible strength.]

Date: 2023-07-29 07:12 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15817886)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[She releases his neck in order to catch the spear in both hands, then wrenches it, trying to pull it sharply from him. Once again the level of strength seems impossible- she was in peak physical condition, but she definitely wasn't that strong before.

The good news is, she's released his neck. The bad news is, she's still radiating intense heat, and now small flickers of blue flame are erupting from her arm, cascading down to her hands before vanishing. Her face remains completely neutral, unresponsive to his words.]

Date: 2023-08-01 05:13 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818591)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[She moves her hands to intercept the knee, but too slow. It hits- and she's released the spear.

But the impact does too little. Whatever is giving her all that strength seems to be making her sturdy and strong, too, and she barely flinches back as he hits her midsection. She reaches down and grabs his leg with both hands, wrenching to one side with the unflinching ease of a machine.

Twin bursts of blue fire erupt from her back like wings, and she keeps her unrelenting grip on his leg as she suddenly leaps into the air, carrying him up with her.]

Date: 2023-08-01 06:33 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818539)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[The blows smack against her torso, hard solid strikes that should double her over with pain, but she doesn't let go. Instead, she flies higher into the air. Fire cascades over her entire body, flaring out brighter and hotter as the two of them rise above the town.

And then, without warning, she stops, spins him around her, and then hurls him toward the buildings below. She follows only moments behind him as he falls.]

Date: 2023-08-07 06:37 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818551)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[Even as he settles into the ground, Azula is on him, grabbing him roughly by the shoulder to haul him back upright. Her eyes are flat and lifeless as she rears back with one hand, the other still vice-like on his shoulder-

She manages not to yell, instead muffling it to a harsh, strained whimper. She's not even conscious that she lurches forward and grabs Shealtiel's shoulder the instant the joint snaps back into place, only realizing once the pain begins to subside that she's clinging to him rather roughly-

The flame fades from her eyes for a moment-

"Goodbye, Zuko," she repeats, meeting his eyes as she rears back to finish him off, but something stops her, something inside her screams out that she doesn't want this-

She releases him, the flames subsiding, stepping back with a look of horror.]

AND /WRAP

Date: 2023-08-07 06:57 am (UTC)
itstillhurt: (pic#15818543)
From: [personal profile] itstillhurt
[As he sinks helplessly down to the ground, she takes another step back, staring at her own hand.

Well? Aren't you going to finish him off?

No. No. No, no-

Go on. Monster. You know you want to-

She meets his stare for a few moments, then turns and flees, leaving smoldering embers with every footstep, trying to ignore the strangely childlike laugh inside her mind.]

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